Guest Columnist: This Year's Academy of Adult Motion Picture Arts and Sciences Awards Nominees -- A Strong Crop

By Guest Blogger Jimmy "The Tool" Tulio

Hey it's a real honor to be bloggin at ya here on Planet of Sound (and Sight). I gotta tell you this year's awards, known among us in the industry as the "Adult Oscars", has it's own glorious sounds and sights, if you get my meaning (and I think you do).

So basically, I'm gonna run down the best picture noms, and I gotta say they are impressive. I seen them all and I got a scene in one of them but this here rundown will be in no way biased or unfair.

First off you got your No Booty For Old Men, a real nice return for the Klein Brothers after the dissapointment of The Ladydrillers. I really dig the cowboy motif they got going, and the return to early 80's style production values. The Spanish kid they got there was pretty impressive too and what they do with that compressed air tank -- bocci balls!

Then we got Abonement, one of them flicks where everyone is all dressed up like its the 1920's or some such. Myself, I don't go in for all that costume jazz -- I mean they're just gonna hit the floor in two minutes anyhow.

A lot of my pals appreciated this one, There Will Be Butt. First off there's the title-- it promises something and boy does it deliver. Second - every great flick hasta have it's signature scene and this ones got the milkshake -- pasta fazul!

Also its nice to see more specialty flicks included like Poon-Oh! - the Mandarin language pregnant chick lovers DVD of choice this year. Not that there's a lotta talking in it. Like There Will Be Butt it does cater to a specific audience but in a tight race, the other guys could split the vote and let a jobbie like Poon-Oh! get the gold.

Finally there's Michael Lays Tons, and yeah, that's the joint I'm in. I reject the idea that this is merely a specialty flick, just because my character Michael goes for big ladies. There's a lotta heart here, and acceptance of people's differences. It ain't just about how fat chicks look good too, my character is married to a skinny broad see? And I gotta get with the idea that she ain't my thing, you get me? There's what you call dramatic tension, especially when I catch my wife makin the beast with two backs with the building Super. At first I wanna kill them both but then I'm like, ok I'm gonna join in, just to do her one last time. It's a beautiful thing cause I ain't gonna see her no more cause now I realize I like a girl with some meat on her bones. In the movie that is.

So there it is, tune in on the Spice channel February 23rd to see the winners broadcast live from Reno.

Finally I'd like to make a plea for my fellow adult artists in the industry. Quit downloading our work for free! For real. It's messing up our royalties and stuff. When you see the care and aritstry and money that's put in flicks like last year's winner The Deflowered -- all that stuff is gonna be gone. That amatuer stuff -- fuggedabout it! You get a pro to do your surgery, you get a pro to fix your car, you oughtta have a pro doing your double penetration scene too! We're pros because we know what we're doing. That's trust.

Anyway, I don't meant to get preachy. Thanks for your time --

Jimmy