TV: In Defense of Sue Simmons

By Noah Mallin

There's been a lot of hubbub here in New York over anchorwoman Sue Simmons and an inadvertent on-air outburst. The iconic television fixture was doing an on-air promo with longtime anchorman Chuck Scarborough when someone did something to prompt her call out of "What the fuck are you doing?"

To be fair, Chuck and Sue have been on the air together longer than most marriages last, since sometime in the late 70s. It also seems that the cause of her outburst was Chuck's failure to pick up his cue while being distracted so it's kind of Chuck's fault.

The point is that some misguided folks are calling for Sue to be fired and step down. Puh-leese. After two decades of anchoring she's entitled to a sloppy moment, and one that I'm sure is replicated in workplaces and homes all across American every day.

Really, what the fuck are we doing anyhow? Leave Sue alone people!

The clip is below, with lame apologia tacked on...

Culture: Why I Stopped Taking Acid - A Reminder Brought to You By TV's Dave Coulier

Unasked for flashback by Noah Mallin

I have to give credit where credit is due and thank/spank Gawker for posting this disturbing yet hypnotizing piece of feminist art. At least I think that's what it is. Oh, have I mentioned that it's a scene from Full House featuring TV's Dave Coulier? Budget the 3 minutes of your life it will take for this deranged audio-visual mantra to work it's magic. After a while I could swear I started to recognize some of the locations. I think there's a den in Scarsdale in here where I once drank a six-pack of Bartles and Jaymes in the 80s. Or is it all in my mind? Behold!

Culture: The Week in Death

I gave Boyd Coddington more play this week because I simply enjoyed his work more than the other three famous folks who shuffled off this mortal coil -- and yet they deserve mention. Remember to refresh this page if the vids don't play at first.

Buddy Miles, wonderful drummer though he was, seems fated to be remembered for his very short stint with Hendrix rather than for his own hitmaking, voicing a California Raisin or any other gig he's had. Still, great drummer. Here's Buddy Miles doing "Them Changes" on Playboy After Dark and boy that party at Hef's pad looks wild. Too bad it cuts away before the orgy starts:


Then there' s Mike Smith, lead singer for the Dave Clark 5 whom I maligned last year as a second string British Invasion band that didn't deserve Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction ahead of other more worthy artists. Well great, now I feel bad not only because the induction was less than a week away, but also upon learning that Smith has been paralyzed below the ribs since 2003 from a spinal cord injury, and now he is no longer with us. Here's the Dave Clark 5 doing one of my favorite songs of theirs "Catch us if You Can":


Finally William F. Buckley, patrician grandpapa of modern conservatism and erudite wordslinger died as well. Buckley helped form the intellectual underpinnings of a movement that would find it's flowering with President's Reagan and Bush the Younger. He was funny, an unreconstructed snob, an intellect whose conclusions were often dubious but rendered with such high-falutin' language and superiority that followers and some detractors were often left speechless. Buckley founded the National Review one of the most influential conservative publications in the country. Here's patrician demagogue on the right (literally and figuratively) Buckley getting a mite hot and bothered with patrician demagogue on the left Gore Vidal in 1968:

Movie News: MRRawwwWWWH! This Kitten Has Claws -- Hairy Thespian Nic Cage Sues Thirsty Temptress Kathleen Turner Over Forthcoming Bitchy Dishy Bio

Kathleen Turner, onetime sex kitten in Body Heat and authoress of squalid romance novels in Romancing The Stone takes some nasty swipes at Peggy Sue Got Married co-star and not-so secret Coppola family member Nicolas Cage in her forthcoming bio Send Yourself Roses. Let the claws come out:

"Everything Francis wanted him (Cage) to do, he went against to show that he wasn't under his uncle's wing. Which was ridiculous. Oh, that stupid voice of his and the fake teeth! Honestly, I cringe to think about it. He caused so many problems. He was arrested twice for drunk driving and, I think, once for stealing a dog. He'd come across a Chihuahua he liked and stuck it in his jacket."

Cage is suing for libel, presumably over the driving and chihuahua but not the teeth. Turner though is veering dangerously into my territory here -- how dare an actress cross over into cinema criticism! Leave that to the pros like Vincent Canby in the New York Times who wrote of Cage:

"As the teen-age Charlie, he's a charmless creep and, as the older man, in gross makeup, he looks like Peter Cushing playing Dr. Frankenstein in a Hammer horror film..."

Ok ok, let's not all pile on to poor old Nic Cage here -- I actually liked his awkwardness as teen-age Charlie, even if I didn't buy him as middle-aged Charlie 100%. Here's Cage in Peggy Sue doing a Dion cover with a little help from Ace Ventura:

Movie News: Actor Roy Scheider Dies at 75

2-time Oscar nominee Roy Scheider died yesterday at the age of 75. He was one of a group of actors who found unlikely stardom in the 1970s, including his French Connection co-star Gene Hackman, Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro, and Elliot Gould. Like those peers he parlayed his unconventional looks into a stellar career, opening the decade with his performances in the thriller Klute with Jane Fonda and a Best Supporting Actor nomination in the iconic The French Connection playing Popeye Doyle's partner Buddy Russo and closing it with a Best Actor nomination for Bob Fosse's challengingly indulgent tour-de-force All That Jazz.

His commercial peak came in between with the movie that defined the blockbuster, Jaws, the first movie to make $100 million in theatrical release. His role of Chief Brody was the audience's surrogate, city guy on an island who just knows there is something wrong. His humanity, wit, and timing all come together to make an unforgettable performance in a movie dominated by a chomping shark and scenery chewers Richard Dreyfus and Robert Shaw. Scheider also appeared in the sequel Jaws 2, which he was forced to do contractually rather than a part in The Deer Hunter.

Like Gould and Hackman, Scheider would settle into character roles by the late 80s and 1990s, reliably tough and authoritative. He would star for a time on the television show Seaquest: DSV, as well as doing theatre.

For a taste of the best of Scheider, start with the aforementioned Klute, The French Connection, Jaws, and All That Jazz. Then dig into gritty cop thriller The Seven-Ups from 1973, the odd comedy Sheila Levine is Dead and Living in New York from 1975, the paranoid Nazi dentist thriller Marathon Man from 1976 in which Scheider plays Dustin Hoffman's brother, Sorcerer, a tough remake of Wages of Fear which reunited Scheider with French Connection director Billy Friedkin, The Last Embrace, Jonathan Demme's first Hitchcockian attempt to get away from b-movies in 1982, Blue Thunder, John Badham's still fun 1983 killer choppers over L.A. techno-thriller, and a sly, mincing and funny turn as Dr. Benway in David Cronenberg's odd adaptation of William Burrough's Naked Lunch in 1991.

Here's the "Bye Bye Life" sequence from All That Jazz :


Here's one of the deliciously snarky scenes between Scheider and Malcolm McDowell from Blue Thunder :

Here's part of the classic rope-bridge sequence from The Sorcerer :

TV: Breaking News! GOB Out, Iceman in as New Voice of KITT for NBC's Knight Rider Remake

Arnett responds to the loss of the prized role of KITT...

In a conundrum worthy of his previous TV show Arrested Development, Will Arnett has had to drop the role of the voice of the talking car KITT on the new version of NBC's 80s cheesefest Knight Rider. The role will now be taken by Val Kilmer (!), himself no stranger to the 80s and/or cheese.

It turns out Arnett's automotive vocal talents were already spoken for -- by General Motor's GMC Trucks division. With Knight Rider now aligned with Ford (KITT is a Mustang now -- Pontiac no longer makes the Trans Am) it wouldn't do to have Arnett's distinct gravelly tones adorn a product with a competitor's logo.

Arnett had already wrapped his work on Knight Rider.

How's Kilmer's Voice? This cheesy, 80s scene from the underappreciated Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker comedy Top Secret has the answer:


Also, here's the intro for the original Knight Rider...in German! Dig the Nietzscheian sound of "...ein auto, ein komputer, ein mann..." And yes, series creator Glen A. Larson's theme song is one of the best TV themes ever. As friend-of-the-blog Joni pointed out, with this voiceover it sounds like a Kraftwerk song!

Music: New Release Tuesday

Nada Surf 's Matthew Caws

This week's new releases are headed by Hot Chip, who take their Beta Band-as-imagined-by-LCD Soundsystem electronic indie rock into poppier realms with Made in The Dark. Here's the first single, "Ready for the Floor":


Bob Mould, Ex- Husker Du -ster and Sugar frontguy and former writer for the World Wrestling federation launches his latest solo album, The Distrct Line: Here's some propaganda from his label Anti in which todays wimpy indie rockers (including Death Cab's Ben Gibbard and Interpol's Sam Fogarino) lionize Grandpa Bob:


Nada Surf and head songwriting honcho and frontman Matthew Caws continue to polish their cred with the relatively upbeat Lucky LP, featuring this song, "Whose Authority." Not only is it a supremely awesome New York video but it also features Pete -- you know, from Nickleodeon's quirkfest The Adventures of Pete & Pete:


Fresh off of their shout-out on HBO's The Wire (such a brutal moment with McNulty looking like an old fart trying to connect with his kids over The Ramones), Dead Meadow lay off the bong for a moment to produce their latest Matador album, Old Growth which clearly refers to the drummer's beard. See for yourself with the clip for "What Needs Must Be":

Video: You Thought You Were Having a Bad Day? Dept.

"Hey guys thanks for the hel....never mind..." Someone's bad day gets just a little bit worse in this short clip. From Neatorama.com.

New Music: Lucious Thespians Test Their Pipes This Year -- Zooey Deschanel and Scarlett Johansson in Hip Album Battle

Plenty of ink has been spilled already, including here, on older man candy Scarlett Johansson's upcoming Tom Waits cover song opus, which will also include one new song. Now indie pixie Zooey Deschanel is prepping to finally release her collab with M. Ward, Volume 1, under the band name She and Him.

Unlike Scarlett's record, Zooey's songs are mostly originals though she does slip a Beatles and a Smokey Robinson cover in. Ward, who has released several critically acclaimed albums of atmospheric indie roots-folk heard Deschanel's demos and offered to collaborate.

Here's She and Him live doing "Lonesome Town"...Deschanel has a very impressive voice:



Here's Scarlett warbling with the Jesus and Mary Chain last year, the voice is...not as impressive:

TV: FCC Asses Assess Millions From ABC Over Bare Ass Embarrassment

And where do your filthy minds go when you see this vintage Coppertone ad, FCC? Hmmm?


The FCC, spurred on by bozo Brian Bozell's Parent's Television Council, is going ahead with their proposed fine of $1.4 million fine against 52 ABC stations over an episode of NYPD Blue from 2003. This is despite the parental warning at the beginning of every episode, 10 years of publicity about the show's boundary blurring, and V- Chip enabling. More to the point, would a child's head explode from seeing this scene -- at 10PM no less? Where's the harm. Apparently ninnies like Bozell and dirty minded FCC heads Michael (son of Iraq War salesman Colin) Powell and Kevin Martin believe that children are unaware that posteriors exist. By all means, lets keep it that way.

Or perhaps their is a more sinister thing going on here. The FCC successfully argued that ABC showed "sexual organs" on their broadcast. Sounds like the FCC like to enter an establishment through the back door, if you catch my drift. If you don't, check out the piece on the Washington Post Scrabble puzzle below.

Granted at first I thought the scene featured Facts of Life headmistress Charlotte Rae, in which cause the FCC may have been on solid ground with an emotional distress argument but Charlotte Ross? Perfectly harmless. Perhaps Martin would be willing to negotiate down to the administration of a light spanking to the actress involved by a certain FCC chief.

Here's the horribly offensive scene-- shield thine eyes! Judge for yourself...if you dare!

TV: MTV VMAs DOA

Britney -- rootsy of wig and meaty of bone: "You fellas shtay close..."

I didn't watch the MTV Video Music Awards. See, I figure if they won't play videos why should I watch their awards show. What expertise could they possibly have in this arena anymore? What are they -- YouTube? At this point MTV giving out awards for music videos is like ESPN giving out awards for architectural merit. That being said, news was made -- of the trashy and utterly ephemeral type. So far the round-up of reviews seems to be:

1) Britney stank. If you can't sing, at least learn to lip sync. More uncharitable have been the comments about her body. I think she actually looks good with a little tummy and if her "performance" wasn't so discombobulated she might have actually done some good for the ridiculous body image strictures that get shoved down people's throats. See the video while it lasts here .

2) Tommy Lee and Kid Rock had some sort of fight. It's not clear to me if this was over inflatable sex doll doppelganger Pamela Anderson, whether Mr. Lee or Mr. Rock has the more irrelevant career, or who has worse hygiene.

3) Kanye West is a big baby. He once again went on a verbal bender, this time against MTV and his loss in all five categories he was nominated in. Lighten up Kanye -- no-one takes these "awards" seriously.